Let me begin by apologizing to you, my readers. I am sorry for not following through with my challenges. I am sorry for not posting often enough. I am sorry I have not given you all zany, albeit intelligent essays, dissertations, rants, dirty limericks or missives about the economy’s behavior; anything to allow you a moment of levity, because sometimes a laugh can save a life. Oh, and one more thing: I am sorry that this post is about to get more personal.
Now that I have apologized to you all, I must apologize to myself. I am sorry I stopped writing poetry after the birth of my daughter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, my life’s paramount moment was bringing her into this world. The light she has brought into my life marks this [mourning] period of me stunting my creativity under the guise of ‘mommy hood’. It is unfair and unjust that as my heart soared with my first glance of her, I felt that I ought to offer up my creativity as a sacrifice.
I am sorry for my unfulfilled life. I was and am so full of potential. Literally the list of things that I am not good at or have a knack for is significantly outstripped by the wide range of fields and activities that I succeed and excel at. Any path I decide to choose will be obliterated as I was created to blaze trails, not follow them. So why, with an IQ like mine, cleverness of my caliber, and ability to flourish anywhere with very little effort, am I here? I have not done anything; I am 31 years of experiences, trips, tests, occurrences, and happenings. What do I have to show for it? MiniMe, bills, uncertainty and instability. There is no explanation or excuse for this condition I allowed myself into.
I am sorry for wholeheartedly believing that I am not worth being in love or even romantically desired, and that I am satisfied with only being the platonic friend. Everyone deserves to be loved; it is major part of the human experience. So when I sense a genuine attraction from someone that is beyond physical, I grab one of my single friends and throw them in that person’s arms literally marry them off. I watch ‘amicably’ from the sidelines as they live happy together, get married, have babies and spend their lives together. I have done this repeatedly since HS; actually since my horrific break up with a boyfriend of 3 years. Since the Guinea Pig, I have shut myself off emotionally from loving and being loved. I am sorry I have stunted my emotional maturation, my happiness of loving those few men who I passed over to my friends at the first signs of mutual connection, and robbing myself of the companionship I felt coming.
I am sorry I stopped swimming entirely. I swam 6 days a week, from the time I was 4 years old clear up until 2 days before I was scheduled to give birth. I never swam for exercise, or to work on problem areas. I did it because it allowed me to meditate. Swimming was my conduit to clarity; to my sanity. To be lucid in my thoughts and purposeful in my actions, swimming 2-3 hours daily of laps fostered who I am and helped plan where I was going. That too ended with the birth of MiniMe.
I am sorry for controlling my emotions to a fault, having ice water for blood. I have trained myself to be the master of my emotions, to allow my brilliant mind to solve any problem or fix a situation. Now, that is great for dealing with life or death emergencies, and in business; but when it comes to relationships and friendships, I make myself emotionally unattainable, deflecting the love and concern sent my way. I always remain suspicious of any possible ulterior motives when I receive affection. The love I have for my friends and show them is always genuine, unconditional and sincere. However, when it is my turn to be on the receiving end of that love, I shut myself down, with indifference in receiving their affection.
I am sorry that it took me almost 25 years to be able to apologize to another person; to just let the words leave my lips whether I meant them or not. And I am sorry it took another 2 years to only say them only when I mean them. My stubbornness is a work in progress. My stubbornness, my pride never allowed me to admit I was wrong, and apologize for it. No matter if in the middle of an argument over anything, if I realized I had made a mistake and was wrong, I would still maintain my course. I was so rife with pigheadedness. Oddly enough, the first time I ever said those words was to a person who did not know at the time what they meant. I apologized to my princess for not being able to give her the 1st birthday party I felt she deserved.
I began this passage meaning for it to be the reclamation to posting consistently and with purpose. Yet this session of apologies was the true beginning my spirit sought to convey. I have closed my ‘sorry’ stage in life, hopefully I will be forgiven. Now I am ready to start fulfilling the destiny I was meant to, take the sojourns that I was built for; to give my people an intimate portrait of not only my killer wit and humor, but my fears, triumphs and failures. Allow others to see that yes I am a soldier; a soldier who has just become able to feel unashamed and unapologetic for being human.
