Reclamation

Let me begin by apologizing to you, my readers. I am sorry for not following through with my challenges. I am sorry for not posting often enough. I am sorry I have not given you all zany, albeit intelligent essays, dissertations, rants, dirty limericks or missives about the economy’s behavior; anything to allow you a moment of levity, because sometimes a laugh can save a life. Oh, and one more thing: I am sorry that this post is about to get more personal.

Now that I have apologized to you all, I must apologize to myself. I am sorry I stopped writing poetry after the birth of my daughter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, my life’s paramount moment was bringing her into this world. The light she has brought into my life marks this [mourning] period of me stunting my creativity under the guise of ‘mommy hood’. It is unfair and unjust that as my heart soared with my first glance of her, I felt that I ought to offer up my creativity as a sacrifice.

I am sorry for my unfulfilled life. I was and am so full of potential. Literally the list of things that I am not good at or have a knack for is significantly outstripped by the wide range of fields and activities that I succeed and excel at. Any path I decide to choose will be obliterated as I was created to blaze trails, not follow them. So why, with an IQ like mine, cleverness of my caliber, and ability to flourish anywhere with very little effort, am I here? I have not done anything; I am 31 years of experiences, trips, tests, occurrences, and happenings. What do I have to show for it? MiniMe, bills, uncertainty and instability. There is no explanation or excuse for this condition I allowed myself into.

I am sorry for wholeheartedly believing that I am not worth being in love or even romantically desired, and that I am satisfied with only being the platonic friend. Everyone deserves to be loved; it is major part of the human experience. So when I sense a genuine attraction from someone that is beyond physical, I grab one of my single friends and throw them in that person’s arms literally marry them off. I watch ‘amicably’ from the sidelines as they live happy together, get married, have babies and spend their lives together. I have done this repeatedly since HS; actually since my horrific break up with a boyfriend of 3 years. Since the Guinea Pig, I have shut myself off emotionally from loving and being loved. I am sorry I have stunted my emotional maturation, my happiness of loving those few men who I passed over to my friends at the first signs of mutual connection, and robbing myself of the companionship I felt coming.

I am sorry I stopped swimming entirely. I swam 6 days a week, from the time I was 4 years old clear up until 2 days before I was scheduled to give birth. I never swam for exercise, or to work on problem areas. I did it because it allowed me to meditate. Swimming was my conduit to clarity; to my sanity. To be lucid in my thoughts and purposeful in my actions, swimming 2-3 hours daily of laps fostered who I am and helped plan where I was going. That too ended with the birth of MiniMe.

I am sorry for controlling my emotions to a fault, having ice water for blood. I have trained myself to be the master of my emotions, to allow my brilliant mind to solve any problem or fix a situation. Now, that is great for dealing with life or death emergencies, and in business; but when it comes to relationships and friendships, I make myself emotionally unattainable, deflecting the love and concern sent my way. I always remain suspicious of any possible ulterior motives when I receive affection. The love I have for my friends and show them is always genuine, unconditional and sincere. However, when it is my turn to be on the receiving end of that love, I shut myself down, with indifference in receiving their affection.

I am sorry that it took me almost 25 years to be able to apologize to another person; to just let the words leave my lips whether I meant them or not. And I am sorry it took another 2 years to only say them only when I mean them. My stubbornness is a work in progress. My stubbornness, my pride never allowed me to admit I was wrong, and apologize for it. No matter if in the middle of an argument over anything, if I realized I had made a mistake and was wrong, I would still maintain my course. I was so rife with pigheadedness. Oddly enough, the first time I ever said those words was to a person who did not know at the time what they meant. I apologized to my princess for not being able to give her the 1^st birthday party I felt she deserved.

I began this passage meaning for it to be the reclamation to posting consistently and with purpose. Yet this session of apologies was the true beginning my spirit sought to convey. I have closed my ‘sorry’ stage in life, hopefully I will be forgiven. Now I am ready to start fulfilling the destiny I was meant to, take the sojourns that I was built for; to give my people an intimate portrait of not only my killer wit and humor, but my fears, triumphs and failures. Allow others to see that yes I am a soldier; a soldier who has just become able to feel unashamed and unapologetic for being human.

Operation:Competition Condition

Hello everyone!

I know some of you read my Face Book status and said to yourselves, "Oh boy, here she goes again, talking crazy" But people this is serious! I had been thinking about doing this for the last few weeks, and when I went to the Doctor's office for my appointment, I got some disturbing news. For the few of you that I have had this conversation with, that mark where I told y'all to take me out back and shoot me, was 9 pounds ago. YIKES!!! SO I have decided on a plan, and with my plan I intended on trying to do some good for more than just myself.

The absolute end result is to be in competition condition by May 1st. This goal is going to come in stages. However this note is regarding Stage 1: Swimming a sub-12 minute 500. Now a few years ago BC (BC=Before Carmen) this would have been a sucker's bet, since I have been able to do it well under 9 for years. But a few years after having Carmen, I tried it; and as Mike SP can attest to since I think he was there @JFK Pool that day last year, I couldn't even make it down one lap before needing to sit down.

So that is how it benefits me. Here is where it helps others, with your help. I had decided before summer to start a team for AIDS Walk New York, to do the walk in May 2010. Now it's hard, for some strange reason, getting people to give $25 a pop, so I have decided to take a leaf from President Obama's campaign finance strategy. I am taking $10 bets on my actual time I achieve on my Stage I Goal. Now, most of y'all who have never seen me swim will think yeah OK, she is bugging. But all of you who know me, and the few who have seen me swim will tell you, she is a beast so she can prob get there in sub 10min. So it is my exact time you are betting on. Time format will be in mm:ss, so when you place your bets make sure you note your sub 12 minute time.

Oh I forgot to tell you the catch: Sub 12 minute 500 by December 1st!! Yes People DECEMBER 1ST 2009!!

All bets will go to AIDS WALK New York as one sponsor The Believers, and whoever nails the right time clocked on December 1st will have a $200 tax deductible donation made in their name for the organization. That way you can write it off on your taxes and still feel good about helping an organization the does an awesome amount of good, you know. And if you don't feel comfortable in gambling, which I know many of you don't, then you can make a donation and just list that you are, and I will list you as an independent donor.

I will be using Face Book (http://www.facebook.com/fromblue2u) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/fromblue2u) to chronicle my progress on my mission. There will be photos, unflattering and real, as well as journal entries right here on my blog (http://fromblue2u.blogspot.com/) for all the funny, not so funny and completely honest physical and emotional progress.

On December 1st, there will be an event at the pool to actually see if this can happen. I will pray I don't collapse, but I'll have EMS on standby.

So how can you beat that?? $10 bets on how low can I go, I get back into shape, and all proceeds go to helping men,women and children living with AIDS and HIV? I want feedback people, and honest opinions. You know we are all fam on here, cause if we weren't I wouldn't have added you! LOL

Let's get this going!!!


Love you all lots,
Me =0)

PS: For all of you living outside the NYC Metro area, I will be setting up a PayPal account for the purpose to accepting pledges for my AIDS Walk New York fundraising, so you all will be able to donate online by the end of the week.

What is in the bloody water!?!?!?!

Astounding. Incredible. Voice of an Angel. "There are no words to describe that performance."

Actually, there aren't enough words to describe the talent that is literally blowing the roof off auditoriums across Great Britain on the show Britain's Got Talent. First, there was Susan Boyle from northern Scotland. Her dowdy appearance and her being much older than most of the field at 47, not one person had any doubt who would be on the 'Best of the Worst' reel. And then... she opened her mouth. My God, did she ever. Then we have young Shaheen Jafargholi who got off to a bit of a rocky start. And as everyone panicked when Simon stopped the music, and told him to sing something else, that young man laid the place to waste, singing the Jackson 5 standard of Who's Loving You. Pitch perfect.

So I ask you all a question: Is there something in the bloody water!?!? What in God's name has all these people singing like this from this tiny Isle across the pond?

Now 2 shinning examples does not equal all; but let's take a closer look at the evidence. Mrs. Boyle and Mr. Jafargholi accounted for, we have Adele. Her voice makes me cry every time not only because of how good she sounds, but she gets her voice to accurately portray the pain that is behind the words, not going through vocal acrobatics.

Duffy, or affectionately known as Duffs by me, sounds like party girl having a bang-up time and she can SANG when she wants to.

Corinne Bailey Rae: Undoubtedly a voice that I will never get enough of. I actually ran out and bought her album AND concert tickets to see her. Its emotional and beautiful and her soprano is disgusting!! ( Disgusting = Beyond fierce, as per Tyra on ANTM)

And then there is Amy Winehouse.

Amy, Amy, Amy. OH WHY AMY!?!?!?! On the Bridget Jones 2 movie soundtrack, Miss Winehouse sang a favorite of mines, Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow ; I would have never thought that an artist would sing that song and evoke such a powerful emotion. Truth be told, you couldn't have told me that wasn't an American sista, or Christina Aguilera, singing like that. After I promptly ran out and bought her first album, Frank, and then Back to Black, she had me as a fan. Her sense of humor, kitsch, and voice makes her a true rare talent. Alas, her shenanigans as a crackhead (Yeah I said it! She is on that shit, and I will take the Pepsi challenge on that statement!) has turned my adoration to pity. I am heartbroken for her and I am not the one with a voice that is unbelieveable, nor am I the one pissing it away as an offender. I want her to get clean and be succeed. But it doesn't amount to a hill of beans until she wants to get clean.

And how can you even discuss this topic without mentioning the incomparable Lisa Stansfield?? When she sang that Barry White cover, I had already been a hardcore fan.

I believe there is somthing in the water. I believe that the Brit's appreciation for quality Soul and R&B that has contributed to this sleeper cell of the most distinct and angelic voices to date. I know that this season of BGT, when they tell the contestants that the world is watching, literally the entire world is watching!! Most unfortunately, I am not in Great Britain, so I cannot vote for my favorite. I need to move to England so I can start infusing myself with the water since clearly that is how this wealth of talent is spread across the British Isles. I also believe that the Queen of England can sing a rendition of "Oh Danny Boy" that will move you like Jackie Wilson's. Well if she's the Queen, doesn't she get the lionshare??

Anyone have any theories?!? The dialogue is open, and I am all eyes....

Inaugeral Post!!

Hello Friends!

I must begin by stating that this is my first foray into the realm of blogging. Although I am usually on the cutting edge of all things on the cutting edge, I am severely lacking in the area of blogging. I think it is my lifelong battle of diary keeping. I buy them over and over because they are pretty, but only get 2 pages filled in them and then I am done. And as many thoughts and ideas and opinions I have in this brain, it's a wonder how I have made it to the ripe old age of 30, and not imploded, or climbed a clock tower for that matter.

But no more. No more internalizing. No more actually standing on a soap box. I have decided to turn this corner in my life and take on the mania going on in my mind; I will share all these things with you wonderful (and now suspiciously reading) people. Now don't panic: My posts will not all be ramblings of a woman PMSing. Only once a month, maybe, but not too often.

I harbor much deeper and dark secrets: I am an undercover nerd. I am serious. I enjoy researching and writing articles on all subject matter. I do advanced mathematics for relaxation and to cure my writer's block. I read the news incessantlyand keep atop of what's going on in our world. I will kick your ass in both God of War and Scrabble (seriously, I will). I can have equally deep conversations about climate change and the importance of every woman to know how to work her one asset with panache. It is this myriad of thoughts, hobbies and interests that you will find in this blog.

Now, yes, this is my blog for me to lord over as I see fit; but what's the fun in that? I implore all of you to please participate here. Read my posts. Participate in the polls. Intelligently and passionately comment on the posts; feel free to agree or disagree. All I ask that all postings remain pertinent and tasefully posted, as there is zero tolerance for offensive and bigoted posting; unless that happens to be the topic of choice. Here, having an open mind and objectivity is a necessity. There will be things here that will challenge what you think you know, and force you to think outside the box. So be prepared.

Thank you for stopping by. I hope you won't be a stranger...